Attention Writer: Syllables Missing

A cross-post from Clappy Copy, where I dissect copy of interest

Today, we're looking at a single tweet from Starbucks that's been rattling around in my head for too long, so it's time to delve into why this tweet falls flat.

The tweet, from August 25 2020, has 21.6K likes at the time of writing, 4.6K retweets. The main issue at hand is that its meter is off, so it reads awkwardly. Let's look at it:

As a quick refresher, let's recap what meter is for anyone unfamiliar. Meter is the cadence of how writing reads. We've probably all heard of Iambic Pentameter, that up-down-up-down rhythm Shakespeare writes in. What we're looking at is stressed (shown as "/") and unstressed ("—") syllables in a phrase.

For the above example, let's break down how this tweet reads:

"Repeat after us" has the following stresses: —/ /— /

This part, I have no problem with. It’s to the point. It’s a call to action.

The rest of the tweet's phrase, "I am Pumpkin. I am Spice. I am nice." has the following meter:

/ — / — / — / / — /

I am Pumpkin. I am Spice. I am nice.

If we count the stresses, this phrase has six stresses. Give it a second read. Doesn't it feel like "I am nice." arrives too soon or is missing something?

In music theory, we think about scales or melodies as resolving. There is a relationship between the notes in where a musical sequence starts and finishes, and when it resolves nicely there is a satisfying ear-feeling. The musical phrase feels complete.

The same applies in writing, whether it's marketing copy, a poem or non-fiction prose.

In my opinion, this tweet is musically missing two or more beats before getting to "nice." For example, if we add in "holding something" before "nice," we get a more familiar cadence you might have heard in nursery rhymes. Let's take a look:

"I am Pumpkin. I am Spice. I am holding something nice."

The first-person perspective of holding "something nice" casually brings to mind the image of holding a Pumpkin Spice latte in your hand, perhaps on a frosty fall morning on your way to the office (or, nowadays, on your way back home to the office).

The meter of the amended version reads as follows:

/ — / — / — / / — / — / — /

I am Pumpkin. I am Spice. I am holding something nice.

Part of why this sounds more complete is that it has a more solid center now; "Spice" and "I" bring two neighboring stresses together. There is also symmetry now in the phrase as a whole when we look at its meter, with the center of the phrase marked by those two neighboring stresses between "Spice" and "I".

There’s a nice bit of assonance here too.

Looking at meter alone, this reworking is a kind of chiasmus. Chiasmus is where the second part of a sentence or phrase is a mirror image of the first.

As we enter the final sentence, "I am holding something nice," there is a comfortable up and down of stresses that lands with more rhythmic agreeability on "nice" to envelope the whole tweet. I would consider this version of the tweet easier to read and more memorable exactly because it resolves better.

In the original version, the phrase had six stresses. Mine now has eight stresses. Six stresses is hard to pull off in a standalone phrase. Perhaps a few more phrases after with that same number of beats might feel more complete, but we're not dealing with that kind of writing in this instance. The musical equivalent is a 3/4 time signature.

We have eight stresses or beats in this reworked version, something our ear is much more accustomed to. Most pop music is written in a 4/4 time signature, meaning there are four beats per bar. 4 x 2 = 8. As a society, we love the symmetry and predictability of this rhythm.

An even better alternative, just for the sake of it:

I am Pumpkin. I am Spice. I am drinking something nice.

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Keeping Rhythm

This example shows that rhythm is a crucial part of writing good copy, especially so when we're writing short copy. People trained in poetry learn how to keep words succinct, with impact and intent.

We spend years, even decades, working to squeeze as much life as possible into every line. This requires acute attention to everything from syllable sounds to rhythm. This really should be a skill every writer works to cultivate.

I don't think every writer needs to break down the meter of every bit of good writing we come across, as I have above, but at least practice doing that with some choice writing, and you begin to see behind the veil of why a line works.

As demonstrated above, rhythm should not be overlooked. Read your copy out loud. If it doesn't sound right out loud, there's something missing. There's no formula to follow in writing, so experiment until you've struck that balance between image, sound, and rhythm while maintaining your intended message.

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I'm also on Gumroad, where you can find more analysis like this and insights into writing from the poet's point of view.

This post originally appeared on Clappy Copy at https://clappycopy.wordpress.com/2021/08/25/attention-writer-syllables-missing/